Johnny Depp or Shakti Kapoor?

Have you ever felt that you were in a movie? That your whole life was being played out on a big-screen and there were people watching and reacting to everything you do? I feel like that sometimes. Most times.

Don’t get me wrong. Its not a bad thing. Its just a strange thing. Like, when I know that there is no one around, I feel the need to be cool. Act in a certain way. Be dressed in a certain way. Weird, huh? The strange part is that this feeling is strongest when I am alone. Not like deserted island alone, but without anyone I know alone. Its always on my mind that what my actions would say about me. How my actions would make me come across. For eg., when I am on a bus or waiting for someone to pick me up, these are the times this feeling is strongest. I feel the need to impress this non-existant audience of mine.

You wanna know the irony? I donot give a flying fuck about what most REAL people around me think about me.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to appear some uber-cool intellectual, with a smashingly cool life. When I say “Part of a Movie”, it’s stretching it more than a little. Most times, my life is more like a long-winding soap opera, where I am one of the supporting characters. Kinda like the understanding father of the hero, or the kind hearted friend of the villain. The kind of character that is not central enough to the story to really make a difference when he is killed off to garner TRPs. It might be "20 years on" when I become important enought to really ake a diference.

Sometimes I feel that this is just a veiled attempt by my mind to satisfy my vanity. (Which is all the more disconcerting because I was pretty proud to think that I had an “I don’t give a shit” attitude). You see, my imaginary audience thinks like me. So whatever is cool to me is cool to them. (And unlike you, they donot judge my obsession with being cool). So I automatically become some sort of brown version of Jhon F Kennedy, Al Pacino and Aragorn mixed into one.

It might also be due to watching too much friends, and the fact that I have always related to Chandler. You see, if he weren’t in a sitcom, Chandler would have been a massive loser. He depends on the audience to become the witty bastard who bagged Monica. So, since I already have my Monica, am I cool?